


No One's Hurt Me More Than You (and No One Ever Will)

by mochaaaa



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Based on a song, Break Up, Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, First Kiss, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Not Beta Read, Sad Ending, dean needs to learn how to handle his emotions, dean you motherfucker say youre sorry right now, ex factor, i guess, lauryn hill, that scene was rough BUT what if i made it worse?, yes it is the end scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 09:44:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21177386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochaaaa/pseuds/mochaaaa
Summary: Dean knew he didn't deserve Cas. He never did. Not now, not when he pulled him out of Hell. And it took Cas more than a decade to realize it.It had only been a matter of time until it got to this point.Dean checked his phone again, knowing fully well that there would be nothing new.There wasn't.He sighed, dropped his phone back onto the table, and took another shot of liquor.So, this was their ending. It wasn't how Dean expected it would go.No- he was expecting some type of cop-out. A deathbed confession, maybe, similar to what Cas pulled a few years before.He wanted it to be easy.





	No One's Hurt Me More Than You (and No One Ever Will)

**Author's Note:**

> based off of the song 'ex-factor' by the lovely Ms. Lauryn Hill! I highly recommend you check it out, at least because it adds to the fic:  
https://youtu.be/cE-bnWqLqxE

_It could all be so simple_  
_But you'd rather make it hard_  
_Loving you is like a battle_  
_And we both end up with scars_  
_Tell me, who I have to be_  
_To get some reciprocity_  
_No one loves you more than me_  
_And no one ever will_

~

It had been a few hours.

Dean shook his head as he replayed the scene in his head for the umpteenth time. 

All in all, Dean was the reason he left. 

6 missed calls and 10 unanswered (but read) texts later, Dean sat in the war room with only half of a medium-sized bottle of Jim Beam left. There was a cut covered in dried blood on his right hand, and the remains of a wooden chair meters away.

Sam remained in his own room, so far. Doing what, Dean wasn't sure. He didn't know if Sam knew Cas had even left, yet.

He'd figure it out eventually, though, and yell everything at Dean that Dean already knew.

Dean knew he didn't deserve Cas. He never did. Not now, not when he pulled him out of Hell. And it took Cas more than a decade to realize it.

It had only been a matter of time until it got to this point.

Dean checked his phone again, knowing fully well that there would be nothing new. 

There wasn't.

He sighed, dropped his phone back onto the table, and took another shot of liquor.

So, this was their ending. It wasn't how Dean expected it would go.

No- he was expecting some type of cop-out. A deathbed confession, maybe, similar to what Cas pulled a few years before.

He wanted it to be _ easy_.

Having to live, knowing _he_ was the reason Castiel had walked away-

Dean had felt the pressure behind his eyes building for a while, now, but that was it. Once the tears started, they could not be stopped.

_Punishment fits the crime, at least._

Of course, this is when Sam walked in, rubbing his neck.

"Hey man, I- Dean? What- what's wrong? What happened?"

The younger Winchester's brows furrowed in confusion, as he glanced around. Panic creeped across his face.

"Where's Cas?"

The two brothers made eye contact. Dean wasn't sure how, but he felt like Sam already knew, deep down. Maybe he was just drunk.

"Cas left."

Dean prepared himself for the yelling, the "What the Hell, Dean?", and just maybe, for Sam to want to leave, too.

None of these happened.

Instead, Sam looked more disappointed in his older brother than Dean had ever seen in his life.

"Dean," he said softly, shaking his head, as if addressing a child. "What have you done?"

Instead of waiting for an answer, Sam turned around and began running back to his room, pulling out his phone.

_I made the guy I love walk out on me, that's what,_ he thought, as he took another shot.

~

_I keep letting you back in_  
_How can I explain myself?_  
_As painful as this thing has been_  
_I just can't be with no one else_  
_See, I know what we've got to do _  
_You let go, and I'll let go, too_  
_'Cause no one's hurt me more than you_  
_And no one ever will_

__

~

"Something always goes wrong," the Angel defended himself. He had a point. Dean could've backed down, here, but some part of him didn't want to. He was hurting too much, and needed to take it out on something. And here Cas was, throwing gas on the fire that was Dean's emotions.

"And why is it that 'something' always seems to be _you_?" He knew how wrong this was, how deep it would cut, as soon as it left his mouth. But he couldn't take it back, now. Dean Winchester was too stubborn, too proud for that. 

Castiel instantly recoiled, looking as though Dean had slapped him- actually, more like he had shot him. The guilt coursed through him, but he kept his expression hard. 

"You used to trust me. Give me the benefit of the doubt. Now you can barely look at me."

Cas slowly glided towards Dean. Still, he remained motionless. He kept the act up this far- he had to keep his walls up. It was one of his worst coping mechanisms, but it was necessary to protect those he loved from getting hurt. And, himself.

"My powers are failing and I tried to talk to you, over and over, and you just don't wanna hear it."

The eye contact burned, seared Dean, but he couldn't break it. He felt Cas's pain boring into him, felt it deep in his chest. He felt it in the tension building there, in the tightening knot of realization. _Cas wasn't fighting back._

The Angel moved closer. There was a foot and a half between them, now. Dean broke eye contact. Cas didn't.

"You don't care. I'm dead to you. You still blame me for Mary."

He paused, perhaps waiting for an answer. An apology. Dean felt one on his lips, just _begging_ to make things better. He didn't let it out. That one part of him wanted to see how this would play out, to see how far Cas could be pushed. There was no way he'd just leave Dean, was there? They weren't even _together,_ as much as both of them obviously wanted it. 

_If you love him so much, why do you hurt him? _ His conscious asked him. He couldn't find a good answer, not to himself nor Cas.

Castiel seemed to realize Dean's lack of response was all he was getting. His eyes began to water, and his lip trembled. But he held it together.

"I don't think there's anything left to say," he said, absently, yet full of meaning.

Dean spared himself a glance back up, up to Cas's deep, blue eyes. 

For a second, it was 2008, and they were in a barn. Castiel's eyes hadn't looked human- instead like they were full of electricity. _Otherworldly_.

Now, he looked more human than ever.

Suddenly, his eyes were closed, and he leaned in. Castiel was kissing him. And he was kissing the Angel back.

It was completely unlike any kiss Dean had ever experienced before. It was sad, full of all the feelings they held back for so, so long. Cas's hands gently held his waist, while Dean clutched his neck. Their mouths and tongues moved together, delicately. Dean was afraid of breaking Cas, not knowing he was already broken.

They stayed there for a moment, against the old, wooden table. 

Unbeknownst to them, Sam accidentally intruded upon this.

He opened his mouth to speak, but realized what was occurring, and nearly put his hands over his mouth to stop himself.

A soft smile grew on his face, and he wordlessly headed back to his room to get some sleep.

Seconds later, Cas pulled away. He then released the rest of Dean, leaving the hunter feeling cold. 

The Angel cleared his throat, not meeting Dean's eyes, this time.

"I had to do that, at least once."

He then turned around, without another word or so much as a glance.

_Wait, no, _Dean realized. _No, he's leaving. He can't, not after I know what it's like, now._

"Where are you going?" He croaked. 

"Jack's dead, Chuck's gone. You and Sam have each other. I think it's time for me to move on."

Dean's stomach dropped, hard. Not the gradual way it does, when you slowly begin to understand- the way it does when, in one instant, you lose everything, and you know it's all your fault.

He did nothing, however, as Castiel ascended the stairs, opened the bunker door, and left. 

After basking in a few minutes of silence, processing, he snapped- smashing a wooden chair into pieces. Splinters scattered across the floor, and Dean realized his right hand was bleeding. He ignored it, retrieved a bottle from the kitchen, and sat himself down in the war room. 

~

_No matter how I think we grow_  
_You always seem to let me know_  
_It ain't workin', It ain't workin'_  
_And when I try to walk away_  
_You'd hurt yourself to make me stay_  
_This is crazy, this is crazy_

_Care for me, care for me_  
_I know you care for me_  
_There for me, there for me_  
_Said you'd be there for me_

_Cry for me, cry for me_  
_You said you'd die for me_  
_Give to me, give to me_  
_Why won't you live for me?_

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if this was quite depressing! i couldn't think of a better way to cope with all the feelings 15x03 gave me last night ;(


End file.
